why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
