Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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