Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
