ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
