dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
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I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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