Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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