My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
