I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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