Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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