remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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