Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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