Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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