is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
