you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
