He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
