Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
