well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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