I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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