There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
