I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
