i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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