Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.