You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
