I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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