broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption