Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That accounts for only three of the penises
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
