Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
