Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
