one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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