so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I will be naked everywhere
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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