i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
