I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
