Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
