she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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