Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
