that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
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By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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