bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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