Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
