I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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