Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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