There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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