So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
