I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
