My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
