we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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