I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Couch. On fire.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
