Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I can't turn off my feet"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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