dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
