I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
