Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
