i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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