you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
