Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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