Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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